“People say there’s honor in death,” Yaiba: Ninja Gaiden Z’s titular protagonist growled at the beginning of my demo. “That’s a load of shit. Honor and death go together like hot sauce and my balls.” 

Wat. 

Keep in mind this is the audio track the Tecmo Koei is blasting out to all of the E3 South Hall. This is the first impression of Yaiba I had (aside from the barely-clothed TC employee who introduced me to the game,) and needless to say it was not exactly a positive one. 

Terrible shame about that wretchedly crass sense of what one assumes must be someone at TC’s idea of “humor,” because Yaiba’s gameplay was totally fine, in an appropriately brainless sort of way. 

See, Yaiba is far from your typical Ninja Gaiden game. Where the average Ninja Gaiden focuses on tons of blood, boobs, and crazy combos, Yaiba ditches the complex combos and punishing difficulty in favor of a mashy, goofy blast of B-movie delirium. Oh, and you’re fighting zombies the entire time, which somehow correlates to a revenge mission that you’re on to kill Ryu Hyabusa. A saucy female agent filled me in on the details as the level progressed, but it didn’t really help to clarify the mechanics of the nutty plot.

Look, nothing in this game really makes any sense. In the short blast of gameplay that I played this morning, that really wasn’t a problem. In fact, it served to keep the momentum always hurtling forward from one battle to the next. Zombies are relatively mindless, and while they come in several increasingly tough forms, they can be pretty easily battered around on the default difficulty. The fun comes in switching up sword and chain attacks with grabs, which allow Yaiba to sling undead around like makeshift flails. Weaken an enemy enough, and you can execute them in appropriately ridiculous fashion.

Swinging zombies around was definitely my favorite part of the demo, and even played into some extremely light puzzle-solving. Whenever you see a vehicle, you can typically chuck a zombie into its driver’s seat to initiate some sort of environmental interaction and further the level.

I’ll give an example that’s suitably crass and stupid. From what I could gather during the game’s nonsensical level intro, I was hunting someone who was hiding out in a strip club. The club was immediately obvious when I arrived because of the two massive, fishnet-draped, high-heeled female legs protruding from its ceiling. Great. Just freaking great, guys. 

Anyways, barely-veiled female objectification aside, the club was barred up tight and I had to find a way in. Cue a zombie attack. After chopping up a wave or two, I spotted a gas tanker towards the back of the area. With a mighty toss, I chucked a zombie into the truck’s driver’s seat. He stupidly banged his head against the wheel a few times and threw the vehicle out of park during his spasms, sending it launching off of a ramp and straight between the legs protruding from the top of the building. Then everything exploded and flames shot out of the building’s, uh, vagina. 

Get it?? 

Like sex?!

…But do you get it?!?

The explosion sent panties flying of all colors into the air, and as they rained down on Yaiba he extended his hands into the air as if receiving some great gift from the undergarment gods. 

Look, I can’t keep writing this stuff. I’m in a public place and you’re making me feel dirty, Ninja Gaiden Z. And not good dirty. More like “just trudged through a sewer” dirty. The game’s borderline creepy sexuality and crass “jokes” are just too childish, even for someone who just prior came away from a demo of Saint’s Row 4 going, “Yeah, that seems about my speed.” 

As Yaiba bathed in panties, a massive two-headed baby flopped into the street and attacked.

“He’s ruining my panty party!” Yaiba cried.

“God damn ninjas,” his female advisor lamented, exasperated. God damn ninjas, indeed.